On salamanders and alcohol

Recent studies at the University of What the Frinkle (WTF) have discovered startling evidence that salamanders that undertake in regular drinking sessions, and become increasingly intoxicated, are likely to have shorty life spans. This 14Billion dollar project has uncovered some valuble new evidence the investigation is still pending.
Dr Susan Elliot of the school of zoology, head of the project, called a press conference yesterday to reveal her findings."We now have conclusive evidence that... hic... that getting pissed is really... really bad for salamanders and..."Dr Elliot fainted due to lack of sleep from her dedication to the project before she could discuss the potential implications of these results, however in a later interview, she hypothesized that this new revelation could theoretically change modern society forever. "There is a brand of ultra light made in Auschwitz by a local brewery that has a salamander on the label, for instance. This new information will cause an utter upheaval of the small family owned business, due to the negative connotations now invoked by salamanders in relation to intoxication."The seven month experiment, initiated after a board meeting by the university at a local tavern, entailed the weekly inebriation of many species of salamanders, against a control group who were merely given water. "We tried many different types of alcohol- we tried beer, ale, lager, cider, mead, sake, sherry, port, champagne, cauim, kumis, gin, rum, tequila, whiskey, vodka, brandy, cachaca, and even liqueurs and cocktails. We also used as many species of salamanders as we could... legally get our hands on. We even imported some actual fire salamanders from Narnia, however they seemed to evaporate any alcohol they came into contact before they could consume it."Dr Elliot claims the findings were absolute. "The results were absolutely irrefutable. With every species we tested, weekly adminstration of large quantities of alcohol definitely shortened their lifetimes, as well as other observable side effects such as a decrease in velocity, an increase in erratic motion and an exponential increase in reproduction rates. We also found that researchers who were utterly smashed were less likely to document what they were supposed to be looking at than those who had only had a couple."The experiment, costing $14 billion US, was supposedly inspired by the blurry bottom of a shot glass, which witnesses report looked strangely like a lizard. Dr Elliot is quoted as saying, "We should, like, see if lizards get drunk too." Funding was granted immediately. The experiment changed course when it was discovered that a vastly overexpensive experiment involving lizards and a hell of a lot of alchohol had already been conducted in 2001, caled "Jurassic Park III".